I have pretty high self-esteem. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of self-doubt, but I generally think I’m a pretty kick ass person inside and out. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism for life, who knows… Anyway, when it comes to races, it seems I have a bit of a mental block/lapse that I can actually do it. If you recall, before my first 5K last year, SwimSis and I did the entire course a couple of times in the weeks before. For me, I needed to know that I could complete it from start to finish or I would doubt myself during the race. As for triathlons, it’s a little bit iffy. I just got my bike in working order 8 days ago. I’ve been doing spin classes with some regularity. My mind is still very much doubting if I can do 11-12 miles on an actual bike (w/o falling, preferably) and then run a 5K.
On Monday during our swim, Tri Coach Jeff said we were doing all out sprints. I’m not a sprinter, never was. 500 yard freestyle was my main event. But this is what goes through my mind: What if I go all out on one or two and then I am just exhausted, can’t go fast at all? Normally I would got 80% of my max and just stay at a comfortable pace for the duration of the set. Well this set was pretty short with long periods of rest, so it was a lot easier to go all out. I was very, very tired nonetheless and did sprint each and every one. My shoulders were SO sore afterwards! So I got that fear over with and he launches into our “mock tri” that is Wednesday. I quiz him about every little detail, where we are riding/running, how far, etc. I keep saying “okay, sounds good”, but my face has a look of terror that is not intentional.
I'm afraid. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I’m afraid I’ll embarrass myself. With a risk, there is always a chance to fail. I’m taking that chance. My current plan is to be present in each event, not worrying about the next, and give 100% in the swim and play the rest by ear. I don’t have to be first, I might be last, but I will be okay.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself!
Is it easy for you to give 100%?
PS Here is a random pic of flowers I got for executive assistant's day...secretary's day...administrative assistant's day...administrative professional day...very good at helping day, lol! What ever it is called!
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Umm... Love that you got flowers for secretary's day or whatever you all it... seems my 3 bosses ignore the fact that I am like there personal dumping ground for the bitch work they don't want to do... ha :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think its totally natural that you are a little fearful of doing things. why do you think I won't even attempt a 5K run even though logically I know I can run that... FEAR... I live with far too much fear. You are amazing for attempting it, you are amazing for doing it, you are simply amazing girl :) I have complete respect and love for anyone who does this stuff. I have no advice for getting over fear because clearly I am a failure at actually overcoming fear...
I think just accepting fear as part of the process is probably the first healthy step....
You're going to do great in your triathlon! It does sound like a lot of work though. Whew! Think positively and it will turn out great.
ReplyDeleteThat's really great that you got flowers for secretary day!! I can't remember the last time I received flowers. Geez, I feel like it was probably my sweet 16 birthday (ok, probably not that long ago, but pretty close).