The post I have been putting off

I don't like to write about my failures, downfalls, or any parts of me that are not ideal (seems silly writing that, 280lbs was not ideal!).  But this weekend was not good!  I was just fighting so hard with myself, winning some, losing some (battles that is!), and feeling somewhat depressed.

I REALLY wanted to get at least 20 days of working out in June (note; June review, and July in progress reports to come in a different post!).  That meant I would have to work out Friday and Saturday (29th and 30th).  I drug my feet all I could Friday and did a workout video on netflix.  It was taking FOREVER to load and I was hungry, so I started toward the fridge.  I pulled out a Spark People recipe leftovers and very greasy pizza.  I could not eat both (note:  I came home after babysitting last Wednesday and ate 3 greasy pieces after I had had PLENTY of dinner while babysitting, ugh!).  Right before I chose the pizza, the xbox kicked into gear and I was able to get my video up and running. 

I was happy to try a new video, all I had done previously was Pick Your Level Pilates (love that one!).  I can tell my fitness is improving because Pick Your Level Pilates seemed to go by fast and was still challenging.  And when I tried this new video it didn't end up in me sitting on the couch, unable to do what the video was asking, flipping off the instructor (Yeah, it happened to 290 pound me failing in the first round of Jillian's 30 day shred 3 years ago).

I was able to pick the Spark People recipe and felt good about that.  I slept in on Saturday morning and just bummed around watching Grey's Anatomy. I gave in to that greasy pizza, it was gross, but I ate it all. I truly just felt "blah" and didn't want to do anything.  I was watching SwimTot because her rents were out of town.  I knew we were going to an outdoor symphony event that night, and I needed to get groceries, and get my exercise in.  I saw I wasn't able to go to the Y because child watch was over.  That made me feel even more blah (because of my procrastination, I couldn't do what I had planned).  Finally, at 4pm, I had myself and SwimTot packed up to go on a walk at a local nature preserve.  I felt like such a bad aunt for not really doing anything with her until 4pm! 

At the nature reserve, it was threatening rain, but really, the radar looked like it was going to be fine!  We were walking some trails and it started to thunder a wee bit.  Then I could hear a light sprinkle, but we weren't getting wet because we were pretty well into the "forest" and the trees were shielding us.  After about 5 minutes, probably at the farthest point back, it started to POUR!  I'm glad she took it so well, we walked/ran back to a shelter for 5 mins until it stopped.  She loved the nature preserve and so did I!  We ended up being in motion for 40 minutes.  :)

The symphony was good, SwimTot's first concert.  It was symphony + rock band.  It was pretty awesome.  It was 10:45 when I got out of the parking lot.  I was fun, but in the back of my mind, my old habits kept telling me what would top this night off would be stop at the drive through.  Something yummy like the old days where I used to go out and get a whole meal before bed.  I acknowledged myself being full, and skipped the drive though.

The next morning, I was desperate to see 265.  My first attempt at losing weight, where I had a complete lifestyle change via changing jobs, I lost most of 35 pounds in 4 months.  When I would go to weigh in, I would step on the scale and if it wasn't where I would like it to be, I would go back to my room and wait a while, hop back on and see what it said.  I liked to see the lowest weight possible, so that meant morning, no liquids, no food yet, and no clothes.  I would sometimes wait until 1 or 2 pm until I saw that number that I wanted so badly.  I acknowledge that this is an unhealthy behavior and try not to do this, mostly based on the fact that the only scale is in SwimSis' bathroom.  Sunday I wanted to see 265 so i could put that I was officially 15 pounds down at the end of June.  I waited till 11:45 until I saw the right number.  I even made SwimTot breakfast and unknowingly took a bite of toast and spit it out before it could add to my weight.  Wow, that is so shameful for me to write!  I can see progress in my thoughts and habits during this period of weight loss, but I am not immune from those old habits, unfortunately. 

I had pea soup and chicken for lunch (by the way, I had pea soup for lunch every day last week.  It was delicious, but I noticed my pee was almost a neon green!)  I consulted my doctor aka the internet (I'm uninsured!) and it told me that I was either a) dying b) had a terrible vaginal infection or c) had an excess of certain vitamins, brought on by eating a lot of veggies, their example was asparagus.  I had no symptoms of dying or vaginal terribleness, so I chalked it up to the pea soup, and sure enough, when I stopped eating it everyday, the pee went back to normal).  Then eventually I just went back to my slump and Grey's Anatomy.  I was thinking that my level of physical fitness was nothing.  Still terrible, nothing to be proud of.  This may or may not have coincided with a girl I graduated with from the hometown winning her track and field event in the Olympic Trials and is freaking going to the Olympics.  I'm very happy for her though!

Monday wasn't much better.  I mean, it started off with me not being able to go to sleep the night before (hmmm...caffeine from dark chocolate or that bit of Easter chocolate I found?  gross, I know.  but I didn't care) and slept through my alarm, shooting out of bed at 7:23am!  I was so out of it, I was just gathering recycling to take to work (we don't have recycling at home), weird!  I was unshowered and out of the door in 12 minutes and at work by 7:59am!  I had a headache that grew all day and almost did not go to pilates (I am starting to love pilates, even with the talkative instructor!  She really kills it with hard moves these days!).  I went and there were 2 students in the class (including myself!).  Afterwards, I did 1.06 miles in 24 mins, on 1.5 incline.  I still felt terrible, but told myself not to go to fast and if I felt terrible, I would leave.  I'm pretty sure I went to sleep right at 10 that night! 

I was blah all the next day until I had a revelation.  Someone's blog had on their "goal" page to lose 5% of their original body weight.  I had always had 10% in my mind as a goal, but 5% is significant too.  I did the math and I had lost 5%!  I did something!  Accomplishment!  And then the rest of the day was just this huge pep talk where I noted all of the freaking awesome things I had done!  A whole chocolate bar (dark choc with dried blueberries) had lasted me OVER A WEEK.  2-3 small pieces a day.  I still can't believe it!  I just bought dark choc with cranberries and almonds tonight.  I thought about not working out, but I decided to go back to the nature preserve.  I was hustling because it was getting dark (about 8:30 when I started) and the woods always get darker first.  I explored several trails at a good pace for the first 15 minutes.  Then I ended up on a gravel path that looped.  I thought, "hey, i bet I could run part of this".  So i started running, I thought about stopping at some points to walk, but honestly didn't feel like it.  I ran the whole loop, back to where I started.  I looked at my watch and discovered I had run 4mins 40 seconds - longest continual running time!  I honestly could have gone longer, but it was getting a little dark and I saw a guy walking by himself ahead of me, my stranger danger alert kicked in and I was holding my metal water bottle in a manner where I was ready whack someone with it.  But no worries, I had nothing to worry about that day.  After that, i was on top of the world!  Kinda felt like I got my mojo back.  Made me wonder if I really felt all those bad things about myself before, like did that really happen?  I'm glad and encouraged to have this community where I can let out stuff that I have been going through :)


Today I bummed around like normal, went swimming (first time in a gazillion days) for 52 mins at the Y, at a big thing of froyo, almost bought a Ryan Lochte t-shirt at Dick's Sporting Goods:

Sadly, it didn't have a picture of him on it, or I totally would have!  While I'm at it, here's another swimming hottie that I love, although he doesn't rep the US.  I give you, the Tunisian:  Ous Mellouli!

And if you're not drooling by now, I went to see this with a few friends this evening:

It was wildly inappropriate.  And fantastic.  The storyline, not so much.  The most naked men - definitely!


Sweet dreams blogsphere!